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Monday, September 20, 2010

Oh those daily soaps #4 [Oh man, I'm tired]


No words can fathom the limits of these so-called daily soaps. Words are not enough to describe them.

In my earlier posts I have given various tips, but in this post I want to discuss something that depends on most peoples daily lives.


Weave a story revolving around small girls, or make them best friends, and say that it is for the welfare of women, aur uski aad me wohi karo jo baaki sab karte hain.... the same old...continue with the sheer nonsense..

Turn your characters Rajasthani, saying 'Maa-sa, Bapu-sa, Aisa, Waisa..etc...' That is the latest trend around these days. Also use the only song that serial people know about - "Kesariya Baalam... padhaaro ni mhaare des". Even if there is a sad situation, or happy situation, if someone is coming, or going away, you can use it almost any and everywhere...

Hold "PARIVAAR" awards for them, make shows for them, call them "celebs", right till a point where their veins are overflowing with EGO, and they consider themselves greater than anyone on the entire planet...

Each and every reality, dancing, singing, comedy, and almost every other possible show should be filled with lots of these guys.

The more I say, the less it is. I can go on and on and on about this, but you get the point... It is "Bull$*it". I don't want to drive myself insane like that Ekkkkkta-mata. Say, doesn't she just look like Sanjay Dutt from that movie 'Vaastav'? :)

However, if you succeed at implementing and incorporating these points in your shows, then it is a guaranteed HIT....

Great, now I need  to see a psychiatrist, coz my head is gonna explode due to all this insane crap that I have been writing about.. Excuse me for the inexcusable language used in some places, but that is just the way I feel.

Reviews and comments are most welcome. Critics can keep their thoughts to themselves.
Don't debate on these topics, coz I will win anyway.... ;D

Do tell me if my posts are "Wise or Wicked"....
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Oh those daily soaps #3


Back to these soaps...

Here's the second list of some really helpful Tips for you..

#01: Every lead Bahu should have at least a Gun in her possession, which she can later use to murder someone, mostly her son, so that she can go to jail..... and yet again, cry about it.
[Tab kahan jaate hai uske sanskar, parampara, maryada, adarsh, usool....?]

#02: If the TRP starts to fall, take a giant leap in time, and warp ahead in time 20 years ahead. Their technology is even better than that of star-trek. Astronauts can't travel at the speed of light.. but these guys... amazing....
        Never let the old people to look older, give people Grey hair, grow up the children - make one an ideal and sincere boy, and the other one a complete gunda.. anyway both of them will join the family business later on..

#03: The Bahu meets an accident, and the family cremates someone Else's body thinking that it is hers. They don't even bother about confirming the identity of the person. Then, they bring in another character who is a look alike of the Bahu, and replace the bahu with her, following an evil scheme. Everyone has a duplicate in serials nowadays...

#04: Meanwhile, the original Bahu is found out by a doctor, who gives her a free plastic surgery [as if uske baap ka paisa hai], and she comes home to see herself replaced. Chaos takes place, and nonsense pursues..

#05:  If again TRP falls, make the family poor, by showing loss in business, ya dhokebaazi by one of the members. They are very poor, as they have a 1000 square foot house ONLY to live in, a few hours supply of water, and get only two meals during the day. Everyone has to work in garages ???? Don't they have those bloody degrees, weren't they the managers and CEO's of the company? Can't they get better jobs?
But Hey, they want TRPs, remember?

#06: Change the heroes everyday and hold karwa chauth ka wrat, godbharai ki rasam, this, and that, within almost a few days. Also rain should fall down anytime of the year along with a lot of thunder.

#07: Get rotten and spoilt cameras which get stuck and zoom-n-stop on every characters face in every few seconds. This way there won't be a need for shelling out extra money for editing and showing the closeups of their faces again, and again, and again..

#08: Also give lots of sound effects - like cats, thunder, chant mantras, get a few singers to sing a few lines such as "Dhira ghita dheem tana...", "Taa didha gitta...." and keep these tracks on high volumes, and loop them. Repeat them until you can bear it no more, and are about to rip out your ears.

#09: The bahu should be clad in heavy sarees, tonnes of jewelery, kilos' of sindoor in their maang, payal and ghungroo in their feet are a must.
They should be ready even during midnight.

#10: The police never reach on time when the villain has to be caught, and reach only when that idiot lead character is at the crime scene....

Hope y'all are enjoying these articles... Up next the final addition to this series...

Do tell me if my posts are "Wise or Wicked"....
VB signing out.......

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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Oh those daily soaps #2


So, due to public demands, I have edited and re-edited most of This post, and I will continue posting it in forms of additions (#1, #2, .. and so on)

Here I am, back with another mind boggler for y'all... the second addition to "Oh those daily soaps".

I, somehow seem to have mastered and understood the logic behind making these serials.
So, if you wanna try your hand at serials, here are your lessons:

Lesson#01: Start with a very very rich joint family, having a big bungalow, big company, different cars for everyone, few small kids, ek kunwari aur sabki ladli beti [only she should have the brains], saas, bahus, bhabhi, devarani, jethani, naukrani, etc. etc.

#02: The old ones should be there, NEVER kill them in the serial, even if everyone else dies, or they create a world record due to their everlasting age, NEVER do it...

#03: All the ladies should bitch, plot, plan, talk, yell, shout, scream, against and at each other.

#04: The show can start with a love story, a bachelor and a girl - or a girl searching for her prince,or the boy of her dreams - the favourite in her family, sabki ladli dulaari and all that - and then eventually marry her off.

#05: The Bahu, should be the dumbest of all the characters, ideal, sanskari, parampara se bhari hui, should spend her entire day cooking food for everyone, giving tea, performing aartis and pooja in the temple, being loved by her in-laws, giving out free advice, giving hours and hours of nonstop pravachan and lecturing to someone who doesn't give a damn, etc...

#06: She should also be compatible with using glycerine[for crying] as she would have to cry her eyes off in just about every 10 minutes, by blaming god, kismat, and herself.

#07: She should leave the house and the family for at least once and go away, so that everyone in the house gets a chance at using glycerine.

#08:  She has to want to start going to the office to be a part of the family business because she wants to stand on her own feet. This way, even if she hasn't studied, or doesn't even know about the 'B' in business, or if she is illiterate, she manages to take the company to greater heights, a feat which - the elders, her co-bahus, her husband, who are experts in these fields with gigantic experiences and giant degrees have failed to achieve even after spending tonnes of money.

#09:  All the gents in the family should have at-least 'Ek najayaz aulad', about which none of the family members knew about.

#10: A vamp is a must, even though she is smart, sexy, beautiful, and having a brain - the sole purpose to fit her in is to insult her to a point where she becomes a villain, which gives an opportunity to stretch the show further ahead.

The next addition is on its way...
Till then , keep reading...

Do tell me if my posts are "Wise or Wicked"....
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Oh those daily soaps #1


So,who doesn't love watching television nowadays?

For some pretty obvious reasons, many of y'all will agree with me in saying 'No'.

Why? Because it SUCKS...

Despite numerous amounts of shows, TV channels seem to be showcasing an enormous downfall in the quality of shows that are being aired today. The first thing that comes to our mind is 'Daily Soaps'.

Who the hell named them 'Daily Soap' anyway?
It should have been named as 'daily filth', this name suits it much better, and the shows even live up to the name. These are not daily soaps, these are instead never ending soaps..

It is just humorous to see, how people can stretch entire shows by repeating the same thing over and over and over again - it is simply because they are able to manipulate peoples minds into believing this nonsense.

It all started few years ago, in a country not so far away, when there were those small time simple logical shows being aired that had some sanity to themselves. But, the happiness was short-lived as the devil of television serials came down bearing a large mark on her forehead, and gigantic malas hanging down her throat, bearing an evil grin [ that showed her crooked teeth] and plotting to rule prime time television by manipulating the minds of bhartiya naari by exhibiting nonsense - in the form of  'Ekta - mata'.

She came under the banner of a Gods name, but her deeds were evil.
Enough of the Melodrama, lets cut short...

             She started of by doing a few serials first, which were liked by audiences everywhere. But she did not have many ideas to live with, so she started doing the same thing to all of her other serials as well. All the shows became monotonous. Switch to any channel, and you would see the same stuff. All the females in the house were glued to this nonsense, and it was more like they were addicted to the Idiot box.. [Then I realised why it is called the Idiot Box]. It was a pathetic time for people everywhere.

Hell! Then she switched to those Kkkkkkk's?
I almost thought that "Boy, this auntie is Sickkkk".

She ended her legacy of trademarked nonsense finally after many years and how. It was all a drama, when she said she would stop making soaps, and would get a life for herself. Yes it was, coz most of the famous soaps today are hers anyway, but people just don't seem to have noticed. I was on cloud no. 9 when she announced that her top-rated and the longest running TV soap (yeah, the most famous one in which the 'Baa' never died) was ALSO gonna end. I wasn't lucky enough to see how it ended, coz I was going on a field trip for a week, OR SO IT SEEMED.

However I coincidentally managed to view it in the hotel.... only to surprise myself. It ended saying.........
(You don't wanna read this).....


$HIT!!! So, is it gonna return to scare the living daylights out of us again? Only time will tell...

"God help us......... Bhagwan,.......Oh Thakurji,.... Deva,...... Almighty,....... uthale re baba..... mereko nahi, in serial walo ko..."

Until then, keep wondering people...

Do tell me if my posts are "Wise or Wicked"....
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Friday, September 10, 2010

Fredo and Pidjin #1


Like Guns


Too late mr. Jobs! We have already placed radioactive chips in every single new iPhone!
Whaat! So my new generation of iphones will kill their users? - Yeah!!! Market THIS!
Guys, check out my new iPhone! It's got a lifetime guarantee! Steve Jobs says the battery alone will outlive me!


Sir, i don't understand your joke. - Bite me.
arghhh!!! what the f**k!!! - Forgive Steven, he has a very low verbal iq. He's a seagull.
He just takes everything you say literally. - Get back here and fight like a man!!! Show some balls!!!
Look! - Dude, not cool. Cover your shame.
Shame??? But why, my dick is enormous! - Great, rub it in my face!

Sky Is The Limit

I believe I can fly...
I believe I can touch the sky...

Hey, Pid'Jin. Have you seen my magic mushrooms?

The Show Must Go Wrong


You blow my mine


Thanks for watching, these are some of my favorite 'Fredo n Pidgin' strips. I'll be posting others in due time.

Do tell me if my posts are 'Wise' or 'Wicked'.
VB signing out...

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Friday, September 3, 2010

"Ye Olde Times"


Ye Olde Times [The Old Times]
Vol #1

I really don't know how fast I grew up from the time being a kid just playing outside to being a graduate. It all seems like a long and yet, one pretty short journey. How long has it been? When did I grow up? It is just for us to see, how time flies... From that innocent childhood right until this moment, the journey has been indeed a remarkable one. There are millions of things that we have stored in our memories, that we don't wanna lose EVER! Our school days, our fights, our mistakes, our lies, silly moments and cries, and what not. All we can do is look back in time and just smile at all those things, maybe giggle and talk about it.

Many say that school days were the best, some say college days were the best... but, I beg to differ... I say that, my childhood days were the best.

Nothing to worry about, no school to go to, no homework, no tension, no pressures, and no problems. Mom n Dad would feed us, we didn't have to go to the bathroom to poop. We could  'Jus do it'  in our diapers and giggle about it, and cherish those lovely expressions of parents.. We could hit, bite, scratch, nibble, and shout at anyone we wanted, and no one would say a thing.

If we did anything wrong, our parents would scold us first, then - we'd start crying, screaming, and yelling right on top of our voices. [ Just to show them 'Who's the boss' :) ]
Just so that they would apologize and kiss us, to make us happy again, and if we were lucky, we would get chocolates or toys.. oh! and remember how they would hit the ground saying "bad ground" and scold it just to make you smile, when you fell on the ground?.
We could ride our parents and relatives backs [Although it is possible even today, I would strongly advice you against doing so - but if you are really desperate, call an ambulance first, and pray...]

Run around the house, say anything to anyone, and they would just simply like it and adore us by saying, "Awwwww.. cho chweet.." and "Sooo cute".

No responsibilities of any sorts, plenty of sweets and chocolates, games like - pakada pakadi, Lukka chuppi, dabba eyes spies, stop and party, etc. etc.
Johnson n Johnson were more like a part of us, [that is why all the kids smell the same].
Cerelac and later Bournvita, Boost, Maltova, and Milo were our sole sources of nutrients.
Having glucose water, and rose water was just simply soothing - it was more like a drug for us..

Yeah, but it was also a very harsh time when we would go off the limits, that we would get pretty strong scoldings, and beatings. Some would even get spanked. That is one thing we don't wanna remember and let happen to us today.. IMAGINE.. your parents spanking you at this age... yeah! I know, it is hilarious... and people, don't give me those looks :o , you know I am telling the truth.Everyone has had their share of beatings in their childhood, and many are still getting them.. [It looks like they have got a lifetime connection, or an extended EMI scheme, or they are simple getting it all in daily or monthly installments.]

But, one thing we never realized is that we are the luckiest ones to have had all of these facilities and spoilers, we lived life King-size. But, there are are many people out there who never had these facilities, either they did not have any money, or even a house, or even food to eat, or maybe the worse - no parents. Many grew up in orphanages, or by living off begging. They never had one time food to eat, let alone chocolates, cerelac, and boost. Where we would get vaccines, medicines, doses, they were simply born on the streets without any of these amenities. Today many of us have lived and survived, while many of these unfortunate ones have succumbed and perished. Where many have studied and succeeded, they have moved to a poorer way of life.

Probably you know this, probably you don't.

No! I am not saying that we should be sad for them, or sad for us, or anything as such. We all know that it is the duty of a human being to help his fellow human being, I need not spell it out to you. There are many who help them directly or indirectly, while some help even if they have their problems. Lot of people can hardly suffice their family, and are not able to lend a helping hand to these people due to their own sets of problems - many people fall into this category..

I am just saying that be thankful to the almighty, [In case you are skeptic, consider yourself the Luckiest], to have led this life...

There! I did it again, [Hey, sounds just like 'oops! I did it again'].

I know, I know, I have this certain tendency to skid away a bit from the topic at hand, but, never mind... I know that you people understand.. you get the point..

Many people tell me:
"It is silly to remember the childhood days",
"You still haven't grown up"
"Don't you have anything else to say?"

                But, what can I do. Like Bryan Adams said:
                                                 "Those were the best days of my life..."

There is nothing like a good old memory to share with, it still makes me realize that I am human.
I really loved growing-up, or should I just say being brought-up by my parents.

I think that just like any movie, the credits for our lives are all that matter in the end - the credits for the people who made us what we are today.. The credits for our lives go to our parents whether we realize it or not.

I am nevertheless a fan of the song "Dil toh Bachcha hai ji..." :)
But I also like this particular saying which I found on the Internet, which says,
      "We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public"
... so true, isn't it?

Everyone has had their shares of different experiences, I talk only about mine, and the ones that I witnessed. You can drop in your experiences and views. Thanks for viewing...

Do tell me if my posts are "Wise or Wicked"...
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