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Wednesday, January 1, 2014

One liners - Jan. 2014


One liners for this month:
 Here Goes:
  1. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  2. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
  3. If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
  4. If a man is talking in the forest and there’s no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  5. I intend to live forever — so far, so good!
  6. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  7. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  8. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  9. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  10. Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
  11. My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
  12. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  13. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  14. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
  15. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  16. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  18. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  19. Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
  20. Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm... I see him everyday!
  21. Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
  22. Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
  23. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  24. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
  25. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Thanks for reading, and do tell me if my posts are Wise or Wicked...

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