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Sunday, December 1, 2013

One liners - Dec. 2013


One liners for this month:

Here Goes:
  1. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  2. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  3. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  4. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  5. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  6. I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
  7. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  8. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
  9. I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  10. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  11. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
  12. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
  13. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  14. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  15. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  16. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  17. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  18. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
  19. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  20. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  21. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  22. Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
  23. Keep honking. I’m reloading.
  24. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
  25. Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.

Thanks for reading, and do tell me if my posts are Wise or Wicked...

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