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Thursday, May 5, 2011

My faded life...


Life just seems like it has come to a standstill.
Nothing seems to be going on.

Everything seems like it is a part of a dream. I don't even know if I am awake. Nothing seems real to me. It is although as if nothing exists anymore. Each and every memory of mine seems to have faded into some far flunged corners of my mind. I dunno if even they are real; I mean, all the times spent with the family, friends and the loved ones seems like it all was just a part of some story, script, dream, or just a part of my imagination. I don't feel anything relating to me, and neither does any of it even make me feel sad or happy about those times. It is just as all my feelings have just died out.

Besides, I am having my own doubts as if I am really alive, or is this just one of my most unwanted nightmares that I am dreaming, or if I am just a part of someones script that my story is just being painted with some vivid perceptions and concepts that is freaking me out. I am SIMPLY not sure.

I mean I keep staring out, and still have no idea as to what I am looking at. I just met two of my best people that I know, my friends whom I had been eagerly dying to meet, and I don't know if I am happy about it at all. I mean, things ended so quickly, that I wonder if it ever happened. So many things were left to be done, so many things left to be said, and yet everything just seems false. Sometimes, I think I am just being played. There is nothing that is making me feel the reality.

I thought that maybe I am not well connected to everyone, and that is why I feel this way. So, I tried to go back into my past, going back to those friends, catching up with them, long missed and forgotten, and yet..... I don't feel anything. Meeting all my dear friends - those handsomes & sweethearts, and yet my senses do not seem to work at all. Time seems to hold no value, in this [real, hypothetical, I don't know] world. I try to remember everything - moment, time, experience, feelings, and memory - and yet, I realise that I don't have any of them at all. Everything is just as if it had never occurred. Everything is a blur! Everything just whizzes by so rapidly that I can hardly keep a track on things, it's like I am not able to even notice anything.

Some people often say that they 'blank out', but there is nothing like that with me, I don't 'blank out', I'd rather say that 'I feel as if I am fading out of existence from this dimension'. I simply keep on asking myself 'What is going on?'. Its like, why am I even typing this stuff down? Will it even matter? Maybe I am just undergoing paranoia, maybe I am delusional. Maybe, the alarm clock will ring, and I'll wake up into the real world and realise that all of this is simply just a dream, and nothing else.

I sometimes feel that my nightmares are wayyyyyy too better than this life. 'NUMB' if far better a word that I can use to describe my situation. Sometimes I feel as if I am jeopardising my own sanity. Maybe I'd be better off in a mental asylum, dosed with anaesthetics and drugs, that would simply put me away to a deep slumber, maybe the ones from which I could thankfully never wake up.

Cradling my head in my hands, trying to breathe as slowly as I can, I try to ease my mind, trying to figure out a way to get these things out of my head. I think - What the hell happened? Why have I gotten this way? Why can't I just live without thinking much, and go on easily with my life just like everyone in this world?

And yet, like always, I have no answer to go with it...

VB Signing off...

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